Seven Important Things To Do With Your Parents Before They Die
“O gentlemen, the time of life is short; / To spend that shortness basely were too long / If life did ride upon a dial’s point, / Still ending at the arrival of an hour.”
– William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part 1, Hotspur, 1597
“If I say to you that no one has time to finish, that the longest human life leaves a man, in any branch of learning, a beginner, I shall seem to you to be saying something quite academic and theoretical. You should be surprised if you knew how soon one begins to feel the shortness of the tether, of how many things, even in middle life, we have to say ‘No time for that,’ ‘Too late now,’ and ‘Not for me.’”
– C.S. Lewis, “Learning in War-Time,” October 22, 1939
Time is fleeting and life is short. You have only one life. It is far far too easy to forget the important things, and to miss opportunities in the short moments that they appear before slipping away. In the context of estate planning, it is our privilege and honor to help families establish the legal planning area of their lives for the good of their loved ones. But, in doing so, it is very frequent that we speak to children after their parents have passed away, and we hear regrets about their not having spent time with their parents, or their not having worked out last things with their parents.
Those we love are only with us for a short time. We all too often allow many petty grievances or personality conflicts to distract us. In his Facebook post “Processes to go through with your parents before they die,” Daniel Schmachtenberger, founder of the Critical Path Institute, outlined seven simple exercises to use with your parents that can offer significant healing and completion for their life and yours.
While Daniel shared these processes in the context of the impending death of a parent, the reality is that your parents are heading toward death, even if there is no official diagnosis. And starting these processes when mortality isn’t immediately on the table is even better. Here are the six processes that Daniel outlined, along with our commentary and suggestions:
01 | HELP THEM MAKE A TIMELINE OF THEIR LIFE
“[I]t was only by hitching my wagon to something larger than myself that I was ultimately able to locate a community and purpose for my life.”
– Barack Obama, A Promised Land, 2020
Create a timeline of all the big events in your parents life, starting with birth and their earliest memories up to the present. This is a great way to get to know them even better while you still can. Recalling their life through these stories can help them harvest the gifts, relive the good times, and identify any areas that still feel unresolved. Not only that, but sometimes, it is by looking at a timeline of a person’s life that a person can identify meaning and purpose – those things that they most loved and lived for, and what moments in their life served those higher purposes.
There are apps for creating timelines, but it’s easily done with pen and paper. Create the timeline by writing “birth” on the far left of the page, and draw a horizontal line going towards “death” on the far right. Experiences are placed on the line chronologically in the order they occurred. Positive experiences are depicted as vertical lines going up from the horizontal line, and difficult experiences as lines going down. Write short descriptions to correspond with each experience.
One way to help prompt memories is to ask questions about different people, places, and things from their past: romantic relationships, jobs, and places they lived. Going through old photos, letters, and music can also trigger meaningful memories. When documenting their life events, the meaningful experiences can simply be recalled and enjoyed. For the negative ones, you can ask them what they learned from the experience and write that lesson in the description. In this way, you can find beauty and meaning and purpose in all of it.
02 | BE THE FIRST ONE TO CHOOSE RELATIONSHIP HEALING
Even if you parents have hurt you in the past, is it worth holding onto? Don’t play chicken with those you love, refusing to apologize unless they apologize first — or even refusing to speak to them until they approach you first. Take the higher road.
A.G. Sertillanges asked the question: “Are we perhaps ourselves exposed to the temptation of disparaging, envying, unjustly criticizing others, of disputing with them? We must then remember that such inclinations, which disturb and cause dissension, injure eternal truth and are incompatible with devotion to it.” Too often we allow conflict to harm our most important family relationships. To foster healing in your personal relationship with your parents, focus on three areas:
PEACEMAKING
Forgive them for any way they hurt you, and help them forgive themselves. Apologize for the ways you hurt them. You want to ensure that neither of you feels any residual pain (resentment, guilt, or remorse) in the relationship.
APPRECIATION AND GRATITUDE
Write them a letter detailing everything you learned from them and all the positive experiences you had together. Go deep within to discover all they did for you, really appreciate it, and use the letter to help them feel your appreciation. Pinpoint any of their virtues you hope to embody most in your life and share that commitment with them, so they know they’ll live on through you once they’re gone.
REASSURANCE
It’s common for parents to resist leaving you over concerns for your future well-being. Reassure them that you are alright, will be alright, and it’s okay for them to go. Using estate planning to help them get their affairs in order is a major part of this.
03 | PROMOTE FAMILY HEALING
“Then is there mirth in heaven / When earthly things made even / Atone together.”
– William Shakespeare, As You Like It, Hymen, 1599
If possible, help other family members go through the above healing process with your parents. Help your dying parent make peace with everyone in their life, even if some individuals can’t speak directly with them. Reassure them that you’ll help take care of those loved ones who are in the most need.
04 | PRACTICE WISDOM GATHERING
Every elderly parent has hard-earned wisdom to give based upon long experience. James E. Hughes Jr., in his wonderful 2004 book, Family Wealth ― Keeping It in the Family ― How Family Members and Their Advisers Preserve Human, Intellectual, and Financial Assets for Generations, writes the following:
“[I]f the wisdom of elders is lost to a family, that loss represents not only the loss of its stories, its glue, but also the loss of the family’s ability to do ‘seventh-generation thinking.’ Elders represent the wisdom of the iroquois elder who says, as he begins the tribal council meeting, ‘Let us begin our work here today with the hope that the decisions we make will be honored by our tribal members seven generations from today.’ All family work, to be successful, must combine the freshness of the beginner’s mind of youth with the ordered, evolutionary thinking of age. It is the conjunction of these two ways of thinking that offers the best path to successful family decision making.”
Intentionally preserve what your parents have given you. Ask them for life advice on anything and everything you can think of. As the old African proverb says, “Every time an old person dies, a library burns,” so make sure to write down or record as much of their personal wisdom as possible.
05 | WORK ON THE BUCKET LIST WITH PERSPECTIVE
“Do not be ashamed not to know what you could only know at the cost of scattering your attention. Be humble about it, yes, for it shows our limitations; but to accept our limitations is a part of virtue and gives us a great dignity, that of the man who lives according to his law and plays his part. We are not much, but we are part of a whole and we have the honor of being a part. What we do not do, we do all the same; God does it, our brethren do it, and we are with them in unity of love.”
– A.G. Sertillanges
To make the most of the time you have left, ask them if there’s anything your parents really want to experience before they go, and fulfill as many of these bucket-list items as you can. Very often there is time and opportunity for those who are elderly, or even dying, to do things they have always meant to do, or to share experiences with those they love that they have always meant to share.
At the same time, your parents also probably know that meaning in life does not consist in checking off a checklist of entertaining things done. Understand that, sometimes, it may just be that your parents want to know what you and your family are doing, how you are living, and how they will always be a meaningful part of your lives. For many aging parents, their bucket list is just to spend time with you. Make the effort to give them that time.
06 | HELP THEM SEE HOW THEY TOUCHED THE WORLD
“And the people that I have lost: They taught me ... how precious life is. How blessed we are to have every day. To learn. To grow. To laugh. To live. To Live. To live every day with purpose and passion. To wake up in the morning and be thankful for that opportunity to go into the world and live. Live for them. For those who don’t have the opportunity. For those who were stolen away for death’s cruel hand. For them, I will live. I will revere their memory and I will live ... Let us remember – but let us not dwell ... Instead: Let us laugh and love and let us embrace and venerate everything that life is and every opportunity it gives us. Let us LIVE – for those who live no more. Let us live to honor them.”
– Jocko Willink, Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, 2017
In addition to documenting the positive impact they’ve had on your life, help them inventory all of the meaningful ways they’ve touched the lives of others. You want them to clearly see all of the beauty and meaning their life has brought to the world. A part of this may be working with them and talking with them about how they have built a legacy, and that they are passing on this legacy to you, to your children, to their friends, and to the institutions that they care about.
One of the ways to practice and preserve joy at the end of a loved one’s life is to work together to communicate how you will live to honor them and to honor what they have given you, and how you intend to take what they have given you, and what they have helped you with, and pass it on to others.
07 | HELP THEM BE AT PEACE WITH PASSING
“Death looks like the end: a door into darkness; yet the vast majority of all human beings who have ever lived have believed that it is a new beginning, a door into light, not darkness; up, now down. This is even true today, even in our so-called secular society, especially when people actually approach that door. We then discover our natural instinct to believe, or at least to hope.”
– Peter Kreeft, The Platonic Tradition, 2018
There is such a thing as having a “good” death. While the above steps can help bring them peace, if you see your parents experience any fear of death, do your best to help them or to obtain help for them in dealing with that fear. Arrange for them to meet and speak with someone (priest, pastor, counselor, religious leader) who could help them prepare for death.
If they’re fond of a particular religion or spiritual practice, you can recite their favorite verses, hymns, and/or prayers with them. Or they might find comfort in hearing their most beloved poems or songs. Silent or guided meditation, religious services, rituals, or sacraments can all be fundamentally important. But sometimes, simply offering them your loving presence and holding their hand is enough.
We are exceedingly grateful to Daniel for sharing these practices. If you’d like to share them with friends or family, you can either share this article from us or share Daniel’s note directly here.
PRESERVING YOUR FAMILY’S INTANGIBLE ASSETS
The life stories, lessons, and values that come from these final conversations can be among the most precious of all your family’s assets. And to make sure these gifts aren’t lost forever, we’ve developed our own process, known as the Family Wealth Legacy Interview, for preserving and passing on these intangible assets.
Indeed, we consider such legacy planning so important, this service is included with every estate plan we create. Using a series of helpful questions and prompts similar to the exercises Daniel outlines, we’ll guide you to create a customized recording in which you share your most insightful memories and experiences with those you’re leaving behind.
What’s more, using the Family Wealth Legacy Interview, you can ensure these life lessons are documented and preserved well before you and/or your loved ones are close to death. And because it’s an integral part of our planning services, you won’t have to do everything on your own — we’re here to support you the entire way.
LEGACY PLANNING
Though estate planning is popularly viewed as a way to pass on your financial wealth and property, when done right, it also enables you to preserve and pass on your true legacy: your memories, values, and wisdom. And it can also be a source of overall healing in the family. With the right support, having these all-important final conversations doesn’t have to be intimidating or awkward at all.
In fact, as your Personal Family Lawyer® firm, we can help the entire estate planning process to put your life and family relationships into a much clearer focus and ultimately be an incredibly uplifting experience for everyone involved. Contact us today to get started with a Family Wealth Planning Session.
This article is a service of J.A.A. Purves, Personal Family Lawyer®. We do not just draft documents; we ensure you make informed and empowered decisions about life and death, for yourself and the people you love. That's why we offer a Family Wealth Planning Session™, during which you will get more financially organized than you’ve ever been before and make all the best choices for the people you love. You can begin by calling our office today to schedule a Family Wealth Planning Session and mention this article to find out how to get this $750 session at no charge.